It’s Ok.

“You have to be strong. You cannot show fear; refuse to show weakness.

You cannot break down. Never let them see you cry.

You must never slow down. If life is a race, then how do you expect to win it by ‘taking things slow?’ Keep pushing, don’t stop, never quit.

Hold your chin up, but never so high as to get lost in the clouds. Stay in reality, stay focused.”

I’m disappointed in myself. I’m not the girl I promised myself I’d be. I wanted to be an artist once, but I quit that dream because I didn’t have the patience to practice and improve my art. Then, I wanted to sing. I quit on that dream because I knew there would always be someone better than me, and if I wasn’t the best, I told myself I wasn’t really anything. Later on, I decided I wanted to be a veterinarian. I began studying my 13-year-old heart out in order to prepare myself for the rigorous work that I knew would come with this field. After looking at how much more work I had yet to overcome , I quit that dream too.

Right now I’m at this point where writing is the only thing I’m confident in doing, and I decided I’d be more efficient with it if I was able to get inside peoples’ heads with my work. The human mind is something I want to pick at and unravel. Why do people do the things they do? Why do we quit when we learn we have to work to actually obtain what we want? Why are many of us so gullible and quick to believe anything we hear? Why is it that we need constant attention and reassurance to feel the slightest bit of confidence in ourselves? Why, why, why?!

I show up to school with the sharpest frown you’ll ever see, but as soon as I am with this one individual, I enter this godly universe where nothing is wrong and all I can hear is the sound of our own laughter. As soon as school is over I feel…sad.

I see this pattern quite often. Everyone seems happy and put together and content in the presence of their peers and teachers, but as soon as we get home, it’s like a surge of hurt hits us all. We begin to feel overwhelmed with work, isolated from the rest of the world. Being alone opens a door to time…time loves to reminisce. You get in your “feels” as they refer to it nowadays. Every time you’ve been put in second place, every time your dreams have been crushed, your heart broken, your world torn apart, lies revealed and truths uncovered; it all hits you. It slowly destroys you.

I feel as though we complain about school rather frequently, but in reality it is the only escape we have from the home we may not want to return to. Its the few hours you get to associate with other people your own age in a real life setting, and it’s one of the very few chances you get to better yourself and prepare for whatever the future brings. What you do today affects the life that will manifest some 10 years from now. It sucks, but you have to admit you’d be in a whole other world composed of nothing but boredom itself without the lovely six hours we are given to productively rot away at school. But, school can be just as frightening, if not worse than, anything boredom has to offer…

so, I was told to always protect myself. Daddy won’t always be there to shoo off boys and mommy won’t always be there to hold your hand when crossing the street. Learn to defend your own heart and be sure to always look both ways. People have to leave eventually, even when you aren’t ready for them to. In moments like these, we learn to do what we thought we couldn’t without this person, and we learn that we are actually much more capable than we believed we were.

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