A Morning’s Cup of Coffee is A Lonely Thing.

I have this thing…I have this wanting.
I have this scenario in my head, it replays often, where I make a cup of coffee and its perfect. I take that cup and I sit myself down next to a wide window. There’s a breeze outside and clusters of flowers decorate the green grass.
I’m sitting with a friend.
We’re stirring up a conversation so mouth watering I’ve barely made it half way through my cup.
My coffee’s cold.
Usually, this would anger me greatly, but my friend has refilled my cup with the warmth of a comfortable word.
I have this thing, this thing where I wake up each weekend and make a cup of coffee. I have no real measurements, and so each day is a hail marry.
Will my coffee come out the way I want it to?
If it didn’t…of course my morning will be off to a bad start. I’d feel empty, cranky, and drained.
But…what if I had a friend? What if someone was there to drink my crappy coffee with me?
I think a friend makes everything better, do they not?
I used to love sipping on my coffee alone, and most times I still do.
But I have this wanting, this wanting to complain to someone about how crappy my coffee is. This feeling that everything would be much more tolerable if I had someone to go through it with me.
“This coffee’s not exactly what I was hoping for. You wanna go down to Starbucks?”
You wouldn’t have to go alone. You would have a second voice on what you should order. You would have someone to remind you to grab your coat on the way out. Someone to sing in the car with on the way there.
I have this thing…this wanting.
I always thought I wouldn’t need another soul to talk to as long as I was friends with everyone at school, was confident with myself, kept a clean room, and kept good grades. If my life seemed like it was in order, then maybe my wish for a friend would die down.
It didn’t. It just got shoved deeper behind all the homework and notecards. My desire to connect with the outside world got dissolved in my dark cups of coffee.
I love coffee.
It gives you energy, satisfies a sweet tooth if need be, warms you up or cools you down, and it’s so addicting you only seem invested in IT and nothing more.
I’m thinking of making one as I type this.
I sit at the dining room table.
My phone sits face down next to me, volume forcefully silenced. My cat curls her limbs to fit snuggly in my lap and I sit awkwardly in a Onesie overlapped by an oversized sweatshirt.
The only noise is the clicking of my own typing…it’s so predictable…so unamusing. Then, there are a few faint voices. There’s a TV on in another room.
I sit here quietly, alone. All of the chairs at the table have been pushed out as though there once was many souls gathered here laughing, enjoying one another’s company.
I smile because I can be alone and be okay. I can entertain myself with the sound of my fingers running across a keyboard.
But then…I frown.
I frown because I can entertain myself so often, so easily, and never do I feel the need to have to interact with another person; I didn’t until now.
You see, I write because I have little experience discussing my feelings to another person.
If you ask what’s the matter I may enter this sound-proof, bullet-proof room. No matter what you say or do, I just sit there. I may cry, laugh, smile, or show no sign of any emotion at all, and I will remain that way until I have recovered from the simplicity of your question.
“What’s wrong?”
Over a platform, such as this blog, I can write anything I want. I have time to process and organize my thoughts and display them the way I truly want to.
I have one very good friend. I met her last year at the start of freshmen year. We are always laughing, cracking jokes, and helping each other with our academics, but we seem to be using this to cope with our problems outside of school. We have briefly brought up issues that have been bothering us, but it is kind of unsettling to let go and talk about what’s really bothering you in a setting like a school. Our schedules, her parents, and our limited time frames have been devastating obstacles preventing us from hanging out outside of school.
I have another very good friend whom I hang out with periodically. He and I were very close when I was in the 7th grade. He’s a grade ahead of me, so he went off to high school after that. We have kept in touch since, but our distance has taken a toll on us just enough to be noticeable. I moved to another city before high school started, and we have hung out 2 or 3 times since.
There’s truly a powerful relationship between myself and these two people I call my friends, but I always live with this demanding fear that distance or another person will interfere with the relationship I have with them. Is this a common fear?
My whole issue here is that every good friend I am blessed with is limited in the sense that they cannot extend our friendship past a  certain point.
I have had few very real friends in my life, and the pattern of distance and separation has scarred me.
I have this thing…this wanting…to sit down with a friend and just talk. I do not wish to speak with a medical professional, a family member, or an online identity.
I would like to wake up and invite my good friend(s) over for a nice cup of coffee or whatever it is they wish to drink.
I would just like to sit at a table with warmth in the seats and the aroma of something comforting arising from all angles.
My family owns a table with four chairs and has a total of 8 people.
I’ve never wanted anything more than a table big enough for us all.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Having someone outside of the family circle to talk to, someone who truly knows you and you trust implicitly is a blessing. My best friend and I met in school choir as ten-year-olds, and have been best friends for over four decades. Most of that time, we’ve been separated by three thousand miles. But, we pick up the phone, text or vid chat, and it’s seventh grade or our senior year or the birth of my daughter or her wedding all over again. Time and distance fade into the background.

    Just as you’ll KNOW when you meet The One, you’ll also know when you’ve found a true friend.

    Peace and blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That is truly amazing…I am praying for a relationship such as the one who share with your friends. Thank you for the encouragement ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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