On a typical school day I am more than willing, technically obliged, to apply a full face of makeup and I make a full blown attempt to combine comfort and style to my outfits (even though I fail on a daily basis), I try. Sometimes, I wake up and question why I try so hard to “impress” my peers; I question why I bother putting on makeup when makeup is not going to have an effect on my education. I’m a hypocrite. I try and be an asset to people; I try and say that my outer shell is strong and independent because I refuse to allow cruel and vile words to make it past my eardrums, but in reality that’s all I do. I let those words in and I let them fester and eat away at my thoughts. Sometimes those words aren’t even coming from anyone else but myself. Learning to love you for your true self is more of a struggle when you feel most comfortable covering your face with makeup and creating an image so far from your own that you’re not even staring at the same person anymore. Now, for those who also wear makeup, please understand that this is coming from my own thoughts. I wear makeup because it’s fun of course and I feel more confident when I put time into my appearance, but I cannot deny you the truth, so I grant it to you; I wear makeup partially, and mainly because I feel my eyes are too small, my nose oddly shaped, my skin too textured and unevenly toned, and my appearance, so dull, it seems to fit the description of the average joe. When I was introduced to makeup I realized I was introduced to the answer I’d been searching for. I could alter my appearance as I pleased and do so voluntarily. Voluntarily became routinely and routinely became necessity.
So I still ask myself this question: why do I try so hard when I get ready when I am going nowhere other than school. Many of the people there are kind enough to befriend me for reasons I am not quite sure of, but I know a majority of us feed off of compliments. I personally enjoy compliments on my makeup, because it transforms into the “you’re so pretty” compliment. I’ve become too attached to the products that make me “pretty” but I’m slowly beginning to detach from the idea that I’m not pretty without it, too. With all the creams and powders on my face, I may meet the beauty standards of some, and without them, I happen to meet the beauty standards of others.
So, after this piece and months of debate with myself, I’ve come to the conclusion that I should put skincare before skin concealing and altercation, because I won’t always have my magical creams and powders with me to contribute to my ‘ideal’ persona. There are too many things that have little to no importance in my life, but I treat them as though they are all that matters, like they’re the key to success in life. I have become angry with myself numerous times throughout the years for losing sight of what was really important to me, and let me tell you this: though you may be criticized, bullied, teased, looked down upon, or ignored for looking the way you do, don’t change for them. Change because it’s gonna make you happy, not them. Change because it’ll benefit your health, not your social status. Let change stand as a sign of self respect and love, not temporary change in your position on the ladder of social hierarchy or a measly catcall during your daily walk to wherever it is you’re going. Change not for attention, but for contentment with yourself. And as my new years resolution, I’m going to stop being a hypocrite and take my own advice.